Entry Fifteen: 23 Years of Beauty and Personality

In five days from now, I turn twenty years old. I am glad to be alive this long and I’m very blessed to be living this long on this crazy world we are living in right now, but tonight, I’ve decided to write a blog about something regarding me and yes, it maybe a little bit…dull and boring to some of you guys that might read this, but I want write about something that I wanted to talk about for the longest time and that my personality and my beauty that I wanted to write about here. Some it maybe sad and some of it maybe a slap in the head worthy, but here we go with the talking of this blog. Get ready.

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(Me Circa 2000, fishing)

When I was young, a lot of people thought I would be the one that was going to be the pretty looking girl in school. Back when I went to Coolbaugh Elementary School, I was considered to be one of the popular people and everyone was my friend in school. They would see me as someone that would go far and actually get a boyfriend first. I remember one of my old friends back up there saying that I would get a boyfriend because people liked me for who I was and thought I was nice. Even though my time up in the Poconos was done, I was going to keep that image of being the nice looking kid that was going to a new place. Turns out that I was wrong and it would begin a life and a struggle.

I went through a major personality change back when I went to Westbrook Park, I went from someone that was told that she would be nice and get that first before to someone that was called ugly and was never going to have a nice boyfriend in life. Even though I did like someone on the first block I moved to down there and actually kissed him…on the cheek which caused a friction with some of the kids in school leading to the thought that I actually had sex with the boy kissed on the cheek (Apparently kissing someone on the cheek leads to sex down in the minds of these boys where I live, but there is no way, I did that type of stuff at being ten years old at the time). From there, I would live in a shell of bullying and having that personality of fear. Fear of what I was going through and the fear of being pushed behind. There were some days I would try putting on makeup such as eye shadow because a lot of the girls were doing that type of stuff. Turns out that it wouldn’t end up that way and I would go to school, still being called Ugly and it went on throughout my years of being in fifth grade, but the following year, sixth grade, I thought this would be the year of me coming out of my shell, but it wasn’t.


(Me circa 2002, holy afro hair)

In sixth grade, I tried some many options of me being a different person and tried to shed the look of me being that girl who was known for being that ugly ducking, but turns out it was worse. I was going through the stage of becoming a women and thinking that I didn’t want to grow up and to the men that might read this blog, I apologize for this, but it’s a known fact just incase you guys have a daughter one day. During school, I felt like I peed myself in my English class and I had to ask my teacher to go to one of these classes. I did and I found that I got my first period. Being dumb founded and lost. I cried because I found out that I was going through that stage and I didn’t want it to happen. My body was changing and I remember crying in the nurses’ office that my mom had to cradle me because it was scary. I realized that my body was changing and I realized that I need to take action. Another false and stupid rumor: I was told I would take showers once a week. That was a bad call and would turn everything off for a couple of years regarding me. Lovely.


(Me circa 2004; beginning of beauty)

When I started the 8th grade, I needed a change and I needed a change quick. Over the course of me being in 7th grade, I was the one that was coming out of the shell a little bit and I was the one that needed to decide what I wanted to do. High School was coming up and High School was quickly right behind us when it came to the moment of getting close. The school year was long and dragged, it was a year of ups and down and it was a year of turning into a young women and growing up at the same time. I remember in the beginning of 2005, I changed something regarding me and I changed my personality of being that shy one, the one that feared of her life of bullying and the one that feared that she was not going to get that someone one day. I kept my guard up the whole entire time and I didn’t want to expand my feelings of being someone that would express her feelings to someone that she liked, even though I had some random person that would harass me for the past couple of weeks and hug me randomly out of nowhere at lunch, but the guys in 8th grade were dicks and I let them know when I opened my mouth. That’s where I got the “Take no Shit” attitude from and I guess I had that attitude all the time that went with me to the end of Middle School.

However, in Middle School at the end of eighth grade, there was something that was called the dinner dance and all of the girls that were in eighth grade all went to this dance with the exception of me because I was going to my dad’s house at the time and let’s be honest here, going to New York was WAY better then being picked on and judged for what you went throughout the years of Middle School, but it something that I would soon regret as well with seeing all of the people move to High School and move on in their lives, but for me, High School was just something I would look forward to and not care about anything that went on. In the start of Ninth Grade, I would still be a little nervous, but throughout the time, I got some friends along the way and a lot of people would talk to me as well. The people from Middle School, that once thought I was not cool enough, were talking to me and saw that I was just a cool person that would like to help people out, but on the down side, there was bullying still and I would still be harassed. A fuse would light up inside me and I had enough, thank god nobody was around, so I decided to shove someone into a locker because I was sick and tired people judging me for who I was and what I did. I was feared and when people knew that I was walking in the halls, they would take a step back because they knew I was coming.

I know I haven’t covered this part, but I am going to go back to the first time I’ve talked about and that was me getting a boyfriend. In my Language Arts class, I had a crush on someone that I will keep anonymous because his name is not worthy enough to bring him up in my blog here, but this would come back later on in the blog so read that part. I had a crush on him and I expressed going out with him, but this is where the judging part came in. He would tell me to wear certain clothes, he would tell me to wear makeup and he would tell me that I would have to do what he wanted to do. Infact, I would give him my house number because I didn’t have a phone at the time, but it makes me wonder what would happen. Everyone in High School was beginning to have reckless sex and getting pregnant. My instinct came in and thank god it didn’t go further. Skipping a little bit to the break up right after Thanksgiving break, I broke up with him, stood my ground against him and put an end to that, but it would be hard for me getting a boyfriend because of the way it happen and from there, I would be labeled, Crazy Meagan because I was crazy…in a so called “bad” way.


(Me Circa 2007; Nice day in the Bronx with my dad)

Yes, I’m a little crazy, but over the time in my tenth grade year and my 11th grade year, I was coming out of my shell a little bit more as I would be talking to older students as well as people thought I was the one that would be cool to talk with and someone that likes to give advice. However, this is where the down side came in. During my times as being a sophomore and junior year, I would pretend to be someone I was not. I made an invisible boyfriend up because I felt it was cool enough to have one and thought it was time to move up with the older people and everyone thought I would be popular as well. Boy, did it not only cost me my friendship with some people, it made me lose my mind and it made me fall into a deep depression where I turned to food to help me out here with it. Sure food is good and yummy at the same time, but it made me gain some weight and it made me even lose my mind more. I would always talk to a teacher almost everyday by coming into his grade room, but I really think I was in need of someone to talk to, but I didn’t know how to express my problems as well. People would say that I had a nervous break down as soon as I left Vo-Tech and having the stress of shit piling up in junior year, but it was a break down. I would shave my eyebrows because I felt like I needed to express myself. Thank god, I was not committed into an insane asylum. I just needed the air to breathe in.

In the summer of 2008, I got my thoughts together, but I was realizing something that my high school career was about to end and I needed to think about something really fast. I was to go to college or not to go to college, but something went in my mind. If I was to not go to college, I would feel the wrath of my stepdad about me sitting down and not doing anything, but if I did go to college, I would have something on my mind and I would have something to say about this and do it to get that degree. The year 2008 was rough, but it was a sign of a change. In 2008, the Phillies (barf) won the World Series, I was being harassed because of my hardcore hatred and it made people hate me. What did I want? I wanted to people feel that way about me because they knew I had a piece of mind. I made a full on heel turn in Senior year and I didn’t care about it. I was obnoxious and I said that the Yankees would win the following year (in which they did) and I proved myself about that, but prior towards that, it was prom season and I was a little iffy about going to prom that year, but thanks to my friend of eight years, Laura and her telling to go. I had to ask my mom, who was rough on money at the time to help out. We did and we got the dress for me to go to prom, but the only thing that was not done, was my hair which was a bum mess. Here are some photos of how nice my hair was for my High School Graduation and the mess compared to prom and then I will go to now.


Holy hair batman in the first one, but look how nice in the second.

(Me with my straight weave, and new glasses 2013)

As I finish this blog, I look at the twenty-three reasons why a guy like there should end up with someone like me. I can say that I’m smart, funny, caring, a sports fanatic, an animal lover, a talker, a nerd when it comes to video games and some other stuff. I can find that guy one day that would go about that stuff and I hope that it can happen one of these days. Twenty Three is a good number for me, but could it be the lucky one?

Thanks for Reading
Meagan

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By themeagang

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